When your first thought on waking up is, “I want to die,” you know you have your work set out for you for the morning.

Now, before I get a talking to from my parents and whoever else, or a knock on the door from the police and men in white coats, I have absolutely no intention of ending my own life. I’ve taken MANY steps to make sure that doesn’t happen – in fact, steps that I intend to outline here.

The thing is– Waking up and thinking, “I want to die,” is not, at least in my ever so humble opinion, a sign that the treatment for your relapse was successful and finished, when it’s precipitated by the same pain in my lower back, hips, knees, and ankles.

It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be better.

Better.

Is better even possible with a degenerative disorder? Of course it is. I’m just whiny right now. I’m already better today than I was last week.

Anyway – since I started this entry, I called Dr. G. and I have another 3 days of IV-SM on their way to me.

And I am excited about it. I actually fell to the floor, crying, thankful to God that she listened. She actually got quiet and listened when I told her that the IV-SM nurse thought I needed another few days and when I explained to her about the pain moving up and down my back.

My doctors are listening. I just have to speak up and say exactly what I want and why. I have to not be afraid to advocate for myself.

I have to be an expert in my own body because no one can explain how I feel but me, and so no expert can help me treat it until I can explain what’s happening.

I think that’s true for everyone – chronic illness or otherwise. The best thing we can do for ourselves and for our physicians is to be open and honest and extremely descriptive with how we feel.