Well, this is the first time in my life that I’ve ever had to make the decision as to whether or not to call my doctor AFTER having had 3 days of IV-SM (Solumedrol) to ask her for more.

This, for some odd reason, seems to require bravery on my part.

Bravery, to sit on the other side of the phone, telling someone whose job it is to help me feel healthy and well, that after a 6 day pack of oral steroids and a 3 day regimen of IV steroids, I’m reasonably certain I need another day, possibly 2, and that I think that ought to do it.

And I’m scared of her saying, “no.” because “no” means that I get to sit here in the same pain that I’m in right now.

Well, godDAMMIT if that doesn’t just make me crazy!

Because where am I now?

I’m better than I was last week! That’s for sure! Better than I’ve been since before I took the bar exam… and there are moments – PRECIOUS, FLEETING MOMENTS of NO PAIN AT ALL and I just want to hold on to them so tightly and not let go.

And maybe that’s what I’m doing, greedily. Hoping one more day of treatment might make this pain that seeps inside my spine and makes it hard to even breathe without noticing it will just… leave.

And so I sit here, at 8:14, wondering silently if it’s wrong for me to ask for another IV, because I’m afraid of a pain that will likely always exist if I lack the courage to ask for the help I need.

This is the kind of madness that MS works in me. A sort of fear of confronting my doctors to let them know that they’re going in the right direction, but that we’re just not quite there yet…

Thank goodness for the black and white of the page!!!
Woe is me and the melodrama that can come from the crazy juices that are hormones! What would I tell a friend? If you’re sick and the medicine’s getting the job done, but you need some more, you need some more. Call the doctor, and get over the drama! You’re not making a value judgment on their worth as a doctor. You’re asking for the help you need and deserve. Finish your treatment.

*sigh*

Needless to say, I’m calling Dr G. in the morning.