I didn’t pass the 2009 California bar exam.

I guess I should be surprised, but I’m not. I wasn’t when I saw it either, except for how they let you know. I mean, you type in your numbers and they say that they couldn’t find you on a list… and that this could be possible because you didn’t pass. I’ll know “for sure” when I get back home and get the letter that says I didn’t pass, even though I already know for sure. I mean, I had seizures all the way through taking the test. I even had one that was so big that I hit my head on the desk and fell out of the chair, but at least I got back up and finished.

So, it is what it is.

Am I gonna get back up on the horse and take the test again?

Maybe. Heck, I’ll even go so far as saying probably.

In February? No way in hell.

I’ve decided that taking a licensing exam while going through seizures when it’s an as-of-yet uncontrolled condition is choosing misery. STUDYING for a licensing exam while going through seizures and MS is an exercise in frustration and ignoring your body’s current limitations. It’s like trying to learn to walk on broken legs. You can do it! It’s just painful as all hell, you can’t do it for long, and you’re never gonna do it the same way exactly twice. Later, when you’re trying to walk that exact same way, you may or may not be able to do it. Odds are, your body won’t let you.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I AM PROUD AS HELL OF MYSELF for what I did. I set a goal in 2004. Go to law school, graduate, and take the bar exam. DESPITE BEING DIAGNOSED WITH MS AND A SEIZURE DISORDER, I COMPLETED THAT GOAL. I’ve proven to myself that I don’t let anything stop me when I have a goal in mind.

If my current goal in life were to be an attorney, I would change that “Maybe” up there to a “Definitely.” but my current goal in life is much more difficult than “become an attorney.” It’s THE BIG GOAL – the one most people unfortunately shift to the backburner without realizing it all too often – I want to find a way of living that makes me joyful.

Of course, this would be easy if I were independently wealthy – but that’s not the case, and yours truly loves a challenge anyway. That being said, you have to enjoy the process of life! The process of studying, I love. I do! I can complain til the cows come home, but I sit on this computer all day long, researching things, reading, learning… I LOVE to learn. I LOVE to teach! I hate being BORED. The bar exam asks about areas of law that I really REALLY don’t like studying. So, right now, I need a break in that area. Also, I can’t put Adam through that again right now… and my seizures are still prevalent. Timing is everything!

So, this is a great adventure I’m embarking upon. The first time I’ll be stepping into the great unknown. This is the first time in my life I haven’t had a plan. I have no idea what exactly I want to do with the next year of my life, let alone the next 5 or 10.

I can’t wait to meet the woman I’ll become. I have a feeling she’s going to be amazing. 🙂

Or, at the very least, a joy to be, which is, in my mind, amazing all on its own after so many years of self-loathing. While I deeply hate having this disease, I’m so glad for the healing that’s occurred because of it.

Finally, FINALLY, I’m starting to like me.

And if you ask me, that’s better than passing ANY ol’ bar exam.