Who I Am Makes A Difference

I hate my attitude at the moment.

I say this because I was two seconds away from typing “I hate my life.”

Of course, earlier this morning, I also said that I was going to kill myself, and I was entertaining thoughts of it again.

I thought I was done with that part of my life. I know I don’t want to die. I know I don’t want it to be my my hand, at least. There’s a part of me that wonders if I’ve lost the will to live…

but I don’t believe it. I stayed here today. I stay here this moment despite the pain.

I stay here for myself, but today I stayed for Adam because I couldn’t remember any other reason to stick around.

One of the things that is horrible about MS is that sometimes you just can’t remember things you really need to remember… like coping techniques. So, one of the things that I need to do for myself is to get together my list – my reasons why life is worth living, and the steps that I need to take, or that I need Adam or a friend to take if I come to them and let them know that I’m having suicidal thoughts.

See, that’s the kind of stuff that I never thought I’d forget. You don’t spend time in therapy learning coping techniques against suicidal ideation or compulsion only to expect that in the time of need, that *poof* all those years of daily work won’t have mattered for shit, except that you made sure to tell someone.

You know, when I was in high school, my mom gave me a blue ribbon that said in gold letters “Who I Am Makes A Difference.” and I stuck it on the mirror in my bedroom. When she gave it to me, it came with a sheet that explained all about the campaign behind it. Apparently the campaign still exists.

Some days, it’s enough for me that I stick around and exist to write in this journal in the hopes that it helps others who are in similar situations feel less alone. So, I guess, in the end, I took the step that really mattered, because I talked it out and didn’t kill myself, and I’m here to write this lovely entry.

Anyway, I’ve spent this whole day being miserable and in pain for no other reason than that I doubt Dr. G will put me on steroids even if I need them, firstly, and secondly, I’m always so shy to call doctors on the weekend because I think of my family and I don’t want to take them away from theirs.

Amazing how considerate I can be to my doctor, while I’m ready to be so inconsiderate to myself, huh? *huff* One thing at a time, huh?

Well, at least now I know!

I didn’t pass the 2009 California bar exam.

I guess I should be surprised, but I’m not. I wasn’t when I saw it either, except for how they let you know. I mean, you type in your numbers and they say that they couldn’t find you on a list… and that this could be possible because you didn’t pass. I’ll know “for sure” when I get back home and get the letter that says I didn’t pass, even though I already know for sure. I mean, I had seizures all the way through taking the test. I even had one that was so big that I hit my head on the desk and fell out of the chair, but at least I got back up and finished.

So, it is what it is.

Am I gonna get back up on the horse and take the test again?

Maybe. Heck, I’ll even go so far as saying probably.

In February? No way in hell.

I’ve decided that taking a licensing exam while going through seizures when it’s an as-of-yet uncontrolled condition is choosing misery. STUDYING for a licensing exam while going through seizures and MS is an exercise in frustration and ignoring your body’s current limitations. It’s like trying to learn to walk on broken legs. You can do it! It’s just painful as all hell, you can’t do it for long, and you’re never gonna do it the same way exactly twice. Later, when you’re trying to walk that exact same way, you may or may not be able to do it. Odds are, your body won’t let you.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I AM PROUD AS HELL OF MYSELF for what I did. I set a goal in 2004. Go to law school, graduate, and take the bar exam. DESPITE BEING DIAGNOSED WITH MS AND A SEIZURE DISORDER, I COMPLETED THAT GOAL. I’ve proven to myself that I don’t let anything stop me when I have a goal in mind.

If my current goal in life were to be an attorney, I would change that “Maybe” up there to a “Definitely.” but my current goal in life is much more difficult than “become an attorney.” It’s THE BIG GOAL – the one most people unfortunately shift to the backburner without realizing it all too often – I want to find a way of living that makes me joyful.

Of course, this would be easy if I were independently wealthy – but that’s not the case, and yours truly loves a challenge anyway. That being said, you have to enjoy the process of life! The process of studying, I love. I do! I can complain til the cows come home, but I sit on this computer all day long, researching things, reading, learning… I LOVE to learn. I LOVE to teach! I hate being BORED. The bar exam asks about areas of law that I really REALLY don’t like studying. So, right now, I need a break in that area. Also, I can’t put Adam through that again right now… and my seizures are still prevalent. Timing is everything!

So, this is a great adventure I’m embarking upon. The first time I’ll be stepping into the great unknown. This is the first time in my life I haven’t had a plan. I have no idea what exactly I want to do with the next year of my life, let alone the next 5 or 10.

I can’t wait to meet the woman I’ll become. I have a feeling she’s going to be amazing. 🙂

Or, at the very least, a joy to be, which is, in my mind, amazing all on its own after so many years of self-loathing. While I deeply hate having this disease, I’m so glad for the healing that’s occurred because of it.

Finally, FINALLY, I’m starting to like me.

And if you ask me, that’s better than passing ANY ol’ bar exam.