I know I haven’t been posting. I also know that I start almost every one of these entries out this way. Well, this time, I’m not going to promise to write more frequently – so there.
Right now, I’m up with insomnia. I’m aching in the WEIRDEST places (my forearms and shins), but other than that, I couldn’t be better.
Over the last several days, I’ve been getting back to myself – almost entirely. No seizures, no numbness, no nothin. It’s really pretty great.
But that doesn’t explain why I haven’t been posting.
I know that journaling my experience may be beneficial for me and for others – but it’s one thing to talk about it in your diary and another for you to think of it as your responsibility to be a strong voice in the cause.
When it comes down to it, regardless of whether or not I thought it would help other people, I created this site for me. I needed to prove that I was giving back to the community/world or whatever while I was unable to get out of bed or off the couch.
Now that I’m getting better (and by better, I mean totally used to my seizure meds), I’m able to resume doing things that I enjoy and things I don’t enjoy but must do. (Can we say studying for the bar exam?) I’m not saying that it leads to less time to post here, but rather that I’m less focused on my body, and hence less focused on the subjects that pertain to that body.
Not posting on In It For The Parking as though it were my job is helping me to stop letting MS become the defining characteristic of my personality on and off screen.
I doubt that I’m alone in this – having to make the choice between focusing on my self and focusing on my body or the disease.
It’s way too easy to get caught up in how you’re feeling – before long, you sound like one of those horrible cartoon caricatures of old people who can’t find anything to talk about besides their bodies, medicines, doctors, etc. I don’t know about you, but that *certainly* isn’t the person that I want to be.
At first, I cried when I thought about it — how I’d never be able to be as physically well as I was prior to having this disease, how bizarre it would be to try and make positive changes when OBVIOUSLY everything seemed too hard, how hopeless the rest of life seemed.
But suddenly, a light peeked through my stormcloud of doom, and I remembered something very important.
Who I am is stronger than any disease.
So, I’m getting back to me.